The author

The only known photograph of the author, as seen on a tin of Uncle Joe's Mint Balls
The only known photograph of the author, as seen on a tin of Uncle Joe’s Mint Balls

If you asked me what it is I ‘do’, then I couldn’t give you a straight answer. Or at least, I wouldn’t be able to provide an instant, snappy response as quick as if I were say, just a web designer or graphic artist. In fact, I would say I’m neither of those, though I do occasionally dabble in that sort of thing.

I used to see myself primarily as a humour writer, though not an entirely serious one (I doubt if there ever has been such a thing). Good creative content can’t always be worked towards. Mostly it just comes to you, the rest of the time you’re just waiting for it to happen, soaking in everything going on around you until the time comes for it to flow from your fingers like custard (preferably the nice, thick variety with loads of jam in it) into a bowl when you sit down to type.

More specifically, I love writing and working with weblogs. I suppose they suit my tendency to work in short bursts, slowly building towards a greater good which, in most cases, is never really made entirely clear. Don’t worry, this is because where my projects are concerned, the slow burn is to be expected. Some of the time, anyway.

Let’s say I also like to ‘experiment’ with video editing. Nothing fancy, just enough to convey the message I’m attempting to get across, sometimes subtly but most of the time like trying to hammer a wooden tent peg into a stone paving slab.

Sorry for being so vague, but it’s really hard to pigeon hole one thing I do particularly well or enjoy more than anything else. Anyway, if you wanted the short version it might be better that you stop reading now because the stuff that follows this sentence is yellow water of the verbal variety and isn’t really fit for public consump…

* Message from the editor: Rest of post cut to save server space *

 

Vanity Reel: Honours, awards and such

What? Everybody needs an ego boost once in a while, and this section’s mine.

Works exhibited/live performances at…

 

2 thoughts on “The author

  1. There’s no mix button.
    If we had a button on the laptop that said “mix” or “back”, we could have the internet rolled back to Teletext View. I’d watch the football in actual stick men view. You could imagine the half time would be something like Sam Allerdyce’s face being pictured as an angry gorilla. Berating his team, with anger lines coming off his face. His speech bubble would be bellowing how they should stop playing as they are playing, and play more as they are playing.

    I’d ponder the “weather map”. That shonky, “Lego brick”, green , mess. To this day I still wonder if none of the countries of the world are the shape we are told? I wonder if some of the more unattractive countries are also a lot further away than we are told. “Well you must come to Belarus, we are only 1.5km from your house!” Hmm I wonder what that is in centimetres? “Twenty centimetre from your local posting office, or leisure pool!” More lies from the travel industry.

    And who would not be drawn in by “The 1981 World Disco Dancing Competition” (Text format)? I’d eagerly watch this broadcast live, through the text service. You could have two variants: The first as a text only, on demand, format. This would entail a typist, typing the dance moves of the contestant: “John from Solihull has just done the splits and has rose up (unaided) to move straight into the “funky chicken”.

    The other way it could be viewed is a kind retro, motion capture. The contestant would wear a “mo’ cap'” suit to perform their dance, and said moves would be “drawn down” to text format, graphics, on the viewers tv. Obviously this would be hideous. The earlier, clear, description, of John from Solihull would leave viewers in confused, wonderment, at what was happening. “Why is he flashing? Has he won because one of his eyes is a dollar sign?”

    All in all the premise of some retro ideas is really just an incoherent, mess, of mangled ideas. I wonder where we have read that before?

    *The author of this piece Sir Arthur Conan the Barbarian, feels he must make it clear that none of this writing must be replicated or read in any fashion. In fact the owner of this webadge must delete it instantly, from his brainal passage to avoid BPI reclaimance. *Brainal Protection Insurance.

  2. I never used to use the mix function because it wasn’t very good at what it did. You try watching the football videprinter over the top of Eastenders – not a pleasant experience. Mostly because Eastenders isn’t very good. (Opinion alert, hahah!)

    The weather map was great. I used to think the UK was all pixellated like that until I went to the Blackpool and saw no right-angled seashores. I thought maybe the whole UK might have piers on the perimeter…

    Also, Mr Hubris, I know who you really are. (Gasp! :P) Your comment contained lots of ideas for stuff the BBC are no doubt pilfering as we speak. I’d get right on copyrighting them if I were you. (Mostly before I do.)

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